How I handled male infertility and became a father by Shaun Greenaway
Hi. I’m Shaun. I’m a man. I’m infertile.
That’s not something you hear very often, is it? That’s exactly why I’m here.
Struggling with fertility is tough for anyone who experiences it. There’s a lot of undue shame and secrecy about infertility in general, but when the complications stem from the male side, that shame and secrecy increases exponentially – and that’s why I decided to share my story.
My wife Jenna and I have been together for 15 years, and married for 11 of those. In 2017 after 8 happy years enjoying life as just the two of us, we started trying to conceive, and to begin the next chapter of our lives together. After having no success, we went to the Doctors to explain our concerns. Following initial tests on both of us, it was established that I had Azoospermia. I had no sperm. Our world was turned upside down.
In 2019 I underwent two operations to try and rectify this.
Firstly, in the March, I had a varicocele embolization – a relatively minor outpatient procedure. Following the operation, I had to wait 3 months and then provide another sperm sample. Neither of us will forget the day that we received the phone call with the results of that sperm test. Jenna was driving me to the train station as I headed off to work, and just as she was parking, the phone rang. Still no sperm.
This was our lowest point. The initial diagnosis was a shock, a lifechanging moment, but we’d then put so much hope into this operation that we were truly crushed.
Jenna was crying, and I was just numb. Frozen. Frozen from what? Embarrassment? Shame? Guilt? All of them, I think. And what about my wife? Had I failed her? Would she leave me? These were some of the many questions going around my head.
Following that failed operation, in August 2019 I underwent a more invasive operation known as a Micro-TESE, where the testicles are surgically cut open and sperm searched for directly. I was apprehensive but pressed on with the operation. I wanted to know that I tried every avenue. After the operation I was wheeled back to the ward, and not long after I came around from the sedation, the surgeon and a nurse came to see us.
They gave it to us straight. No sperm were found. That was it. I would never father a biological child.
This result just compounded everything that had been going through my mind since my initial diagnosis. I was questioning my masculinity. I felt alone and went inward for a long time.
Was I still a man if I cannot provide sperm?
Over time I came to realise that of course I am still a man. A journey of infertility gives you a new sense of manliness. Being engaging in your actions, showing up, being there at tough times, being there at tough appointments. The clinics and procedures may be awkward and embarrassing, but by consistently being by your partner’s side - showing strength, compassion, and love - you are being every bit the man she needs you to be. And it's important to acknowledge that men have emotions too. Suppressing them will only lead to further complications down the line – the emotions will be released in some way, somehow, so they’re best dealt with as early as possible.
And part of that emotional healing process is the grieving process. Grieving for the loss of your ability to have a child in the natural way. The loss of your ability to pass on your genetics.
Once you have grieved, and moved towards a form of acceptance, you can start to look forward. I think that it is key to recognise that in finding acceptance, it doesn’t mean that you have to like what has happened. You just choose to make space for it in your life. You give yourself permission to be who you are, and to stop expending energy in resisting it. Energy that can be better served in supporting your partner in your next phases of trying to conceive – should you wish to pursue alternate pathways to parenthood.
My wife and I decided that we still wanted to raise children, no matter what it took. I knew that I had a lot more to pass onto a child, other than my DNA: my values, my strength, my love, my life experiences.
We elected to use donor sperm, and in February 2021 she gave birth to twins – a boy and girl, Ray and Evelyn.
It’s a truly amazing feeling, and I love them both so much. I wouldn’t change my journey for anything, as it led me to Ray and Evelyn. Everything is exactly how it was meant to be.
My message to any men experiencing infertility is that it’s important to not suffer in silence. It’s not your fault. Have a conversation. That’s the first step to understanding and healing. Whether those conversations are with your partner, a friend, a professional, or someone like me who may be further along the road having been there – that’s down to what you are most comfortable with.
Just know that there are many ways of making a family – each as special as the next.
Shaun Greenaway
To learn more about male infertility, join us at the Fertility Show on 18th & 19th May! We will be joined by leading experts covering a variety of male infertility topics:
Male Fertility - Understanding and Addressing the Challenges
Sperm Donation - What to Consider
Male Fertility - The Facts